In that dream, I was somebody else.
My whole life behind me was nothing more than a memory. A shadow. Something that shaped me, but would never find me again.
I always believed people could change. I thought that was real. I thought you could really change who you are.
Maybe you can. Maybe if you try hard enough.
But I've been brainwashed.
I can't do anything more than try to progress myself.
I can't enjoy the time I'm having right now, because money is so tight.
I thought my dream was to move to the mountains. I thought that out here I would make so many good friends. I thought I could be someone else. I thought I could sleep around and never have it bite me in the ass.
Oh right. This is a small town. Wow. that wasn't thought out very well.
Every time I do something. Every time I show my face, someone sees. Someone is always watching me, because, let's face it, that's all there is to do.
I think I've realized that there's nothing left for me here.
Maybe that's the stress talking. Maybe I'm just down on myself.
But when you get in a car accident and it royally FUCKS you over, and you're out of work, what do you think?
What the fuck am I supposed to think?
I have a chance here to start over.
I can collect the insurance money and live without a car for a while.
I know I can, but then I lose my second job.
I love delivering pizzas. But in order to do that, I HAVE to buy a car. I need to dish out money again, and hope to the sweet God above that it runs properly. I have to fist-fight my insurance company to get the money for my car. I've been fighting all month. I have nothing to show. I'm tired. I'm weary.
I've been playing video games for hours and hours on end. Because if I don't do that, I drink.
I'm drinking my money away. I'm drinking my chances of pulling out of this away.
So I'm inside all day.
I spend $700 a month so I can set up my computer in a mediocre condo room and play video games.
No, this is not my dream. This was never my dream.
So come November, do I stay, or do I try to start over again?
I could move to the city. It's only an hour away. I have friends there. I have family.
There's opportunity. There's a second chance.
So why don't I take it?
Maybe it's time to go again. Maybe, for the 6th time in 2 years, it's time to pack up and move out.
I won't be far away though. I can always come back.
But this place isn't for me.
This place was for the me I wanted to be.
Not the me that I really am.
Monday 21 July 2014
Saturday 29 March 2014
What a fucking week
I feel as though this needs to be shared. Why? I don't know.
So this week started out with my ex-girlfriend going crazy.
BACKSTORY
So I finally meet a really nice girl. We have a lot in common. Our up-bringing, parental views, religious views, etc. Like we had a LOT in common (more than I mentioned). We hooked up a few times, then it started to get serious.
We had a date, and it went really nicely, so we decided to make it official.
Few weeks in, we went back to Saskatchewan for a week. Stayed at my buddy's house, chilled out, met the parents. Everything was great!
Too great.
So she had some psychological issues. She said she had a demon following her around. Every once in a while, it would "attack" her. She would get really shaky and freak out a little bit. Nothing too horrendous. She was always okay once I talked to her and comforted her for a bit.
Anyways, back to the story.
So on this trip to Saskatchewan, we dropped the L-bomb. That should have been a red flag. We were only weeks in. But at the time, we were 110% sure we were in love!
We talked about moving in together some day. Unfortunately, that day was fast approaching.
Not even 2 weeks after we came back, I quit my job, and with it, left my residence. It was a bad call. I didn't have anything lined up, didn't have any money, and didn't have a job lined up.
But we made it through. The day before I was kicked out, we managed to line up a place.
So, with some financial help from her, us and 2 others moved into a teeny little vacation home. It was all fine and dandy, save for the amount of stress that comes with living with your SO.
I got a job after a few weeks delivering pizzas. My buddy didn't get one for almost a month. We were days away from having to leave because we couldn't afford rent. He managed to come up with enough for rent (god knows how), and we stayed for another month.
So just over one week ago, my girlfriend finally loses it. She says she's become possessed by this demon mentioned before, and starts cutting herself.
So what kind of position does that leave me in?
I had to call the police. They sent 6 officers (yes. SIX.) to come and get her. They took her into the psych ward in the nearest city and I haven't spoken to her since.
So I guess we're broken up. I mean, her family won't let me ever speak to her again (being as I put their little family secret in the limelight. Apparently, this has actually been going on for 7 years. SEVEN. FUCKING. YEARS.). Anyway, her family came to move her stuff out of the house the next day. Yes, it was truly awful.
So that was how my week STARTED.
Next off - I find out I'm being kicked out of my current house May 1st. Awesome. I can't find a goddamn place to live in this town, because nobody likes 20 year olds.
We finally found a really nice, affordable place in a great neighborhood. We got to view it, and the current tenants were really nice.
So we get to Skype with the landlord. She laughs as soon as she sees us. Asks us how old we are. We tell her 20. She tells us to essentially fuck ourselves. Awesome.
So apparently paying taxes, working full-time and owning a vehicle does NOT make you an adult. Just a child.
So in one month I'm homeless. I'm almost broke, and I don't want to go back home if this doesn't work out.
Bottom line, I'm fucked if I don't find a place in the next 33 days.
So tonight, I'm going to get really, really, irresponsibly drunk. Once that's out of my system, hopefully I'll regain my faith in myself, and make this all happen.
TL:DR.
girlfriend went crazy, we broke up, and nobody likes 20-year olds.
So this week started out with my ex-girlfriend going crazy.
BACKSTORY
So I finally meet a really nice girl. We have a lot in common. Our up-bringing, parental views, religious views, etc. Like we had a LOT in common (more than I mentioned). We hooked up a few times, then it started to get serious.
We had a date, and it went really nicely, so we decided to make it official.
Few weeks in, we went back to Saskatchewan for a week. Stayed at my buddy's house, chilled out, met the parents. Everything was great!
Too great.
So she had some psychological issues. She said she had a demon following her around. Every once in a while, it would "attack" her. She would get really shaky and freak out a little bit. Nothing too horrendous. She was always okay once I talked to her and comforted her for a bit.
Anyways, back to the story.
So on this trip to Saskatchewan, we dropped the L-bomb. That should have been a red flag. We were only weeks in. But at the time, we were 110% sure we were in love!
We talked about moving in together some day. Unfortunately, that day was fast approaching.
Not even 2 weeks after we came back, I quit my job, and with it, left my residence. It was a bad call. I didn't have anything lined up, didn't have any money, and didn't have a job lined up.
But we made it through. The day before I was kicked out, we managed to line up a place.
So, with some financial help from her, us and 2 others moved into a teeny little vacation home. It was all fine and dandy, save for the amount of stress that comes with living with your SO.
I got a job after a few weeks delivering pizzas. My buddy didn't get one for almost a month. We were days away from having to leave because we couldn't afford rent. He managed to come up with enough for rent (god knows how), and we stayed for another month.
So just over one week ago, my girlfriend finally loses it. She says she's become possessed by this demon mentioned before, and starts cutting herself.
So what kind of position does that leave me in?
I had to call the police. They sent 6 officers (yes. SIX.) to come and get her. They took her into the psych ward in the nearest city and I haven't spoken to her since.
So I guess we're broken up. I mean, her family won't let me ever speak to her again (being as I put their little family secret in the limelight. Apparently, this has actually been going on for 7 years. SEVEN. FUCKING. YEARS.). Anyway, her family came to move her stuff out of the house the next day. Yes, it was truly awful.
So that was how my week STARTED.
Next off - I find out I'm being kicked out of my current house May 1st. Awesome. I can't find a goddamn place to live in this town, because nobody likes 20 year olds.
We finally found a really nice, affordable place in a great neighborhood. We got to view it, and the current tenants were really nice.
So we get to Skype with the landlord. She laughs as soon as she sees us. Asks us how old we are. We tell her 20. She tells us to essentially fuck ourselves. Awesome.
So apparently paying taxes, working full-time and owning a vehicle does NOT make you an adult. Just a child.
So in one month I'm homeless. I'm almost broke, and I don't want to go back home if this doesn't work out.
Bottom line, I'm fucked if I don't find a place in the next 33 days.
So tonight, I'm going to get really, really, irresponsibly drunk. Once that's out of my system, hopefully I'll regain my faith in myself, and make this all happen.
TL:DR.
girlfriend went crazy, we broke up, and nobody likes 20-year olds.
Friday 13 December 2013
Normality
I constantly ask myself one question:
why can't my life just be normal?
Then I realize that maybe normal doesn't actually exist.
When you live in a ski resort, you have absolutely no chance of having a normal life.
Yes, a lot of things have passed since my last post.
First and foremost, I managed to get a girlfriend, cheat on said girlfriend, become best friends with said girl who I cheated with, sleep with said girl again, and then last night end up sharing a bed with her. But not have sex. Because her roommate was home. What is this?
Also I managed to quit smoking, and sleep with more girls than I'm comfortable with.
Well... Not sleep. I can't do that anymore.
When I have kids, I know they're going to want to do exactly the same things I'm doing right now. And I'm going to stop them.
Why?
Cause I want them to sleep at night.
So my life isn't normal.
Or is it?
Honestly, I'm a 19-year old who lives in the easiest place to get laid. Ever.
Okay not quite the easiest, but it's pretty damn close.
I lost my virginity less than one year ago. Since then, I've slept with 6 different women. SIX.
So why can't I sleep?
That, the fact that I hate my job, the fact that I lie about my age to get laid, and the fact that I'm a fucking adult. Adults don't sleep. I hate being an adult.
On and I turn 20 in one week. NO. MORE. TEENS. why? Why you do dis?
But there is good news! I finally quit smoking.
course I went and bought a pack last night. God am I stupid.
Let's see what 2014 can offer....
why can't my life just be normal?
Then I realize that maybe normal doesn't actually exist.
When you live in a ski resort, you have absolutely no chance of having a normal life.
Yes, a lot of things have passed since my last post.
First and foremost, I managed to get a girlfriend, cheat on said girlfriend, become best friends with said girl who I cheated with, sleep with said girl again, and then last night end up sharing a bed with her. But not have sex. Because her roommate was home. What is this?
Also I managed to quit smoking, and sleep with more girls than I'm comfortable with.
Well... Not sleep. I can't do that anymore.
When I have kids, I know they're going to want to do exactly the same things I'm doing right now. And I'm going to stop them.
Why?
Cause I want them to sleep at night.
So my life isn't normal.
Or is it?
Honestly, I'm a 19-year old who lives in the easiest place to get laid. Ever.
Okay not quite the easiest, but it's pretty damn close.
I lost my virginity less than one year ago. Since then, I've slept with 6 different women. SIX.
So why can't I sleep?
That, the fact that I hate my job, the fact that I lie about my age to get laid, and the fact that I'm a fucking adult. Adults don't sleep. I hate being an adult.
On and I turn 20 in one week. NO. MORE. TEENS. why? Why you do dis?
But there is good news! I finally quit smoking.
course I went and bought a pack last night. God am I stupid.
Let's see what 2014 can offer....
Friday 25 October 2013
Teenager no more
Wow. Where do I even begin?
Oh God. So let's start with Brenna. What happened to her? I went to her grad as her friend's escort, got very drunk, and pissed of Brenna a lot. Like a LOT.
Next thing I know, I get a text about 2 months ago telling me about how Brenna gets drunk all the time now.
HA! Bitch.
So let's move on.
What happened since my last post?
Well, I quit my job, left the church, and moved top Banff.
Yes, Banff. Party central.
In my previous posts I talked about how I drank too much. Well, it's got nothing on what I do now. Jaysus. So that's my life now. Drinking. Oh, I also started smoking cigarettes. And weed.
Life has never been better than it is out here, though. I have an awesome group of friends, I have an opportunity to be someone that I've never been before, and I have an opportunity to try all the things I missed out on earlier in life. Like picking up girls at the bar, getting high, and all kinda of wonderful things.
But as it turns out, I've also discovered my greatest weakness out here.
Alcohol and women. Separately, fine. Together? Not okay.
I managed to get a really good girlfriend out here, and life was good.
What did I do?
I cheated on her.
I think there's a special place in hell reserved for people like me. But you know what? At least it's warm there.
So yeah, I've changed. A lot. Cage an animal for long enough and you create a monster.
Is it my parent's fault?
Maybe.
I mean, I'm not saying it's not.
Fuck am I fucked up right now. This whole post makes no sense. Burnt out, still half-drunk and I need a cigarette. What a day.
The good news is that I have today and the next 2 days off work though!
Oh God. So let's start with Brenna. What happened to her? I went to her grad as her friend's escort, got very drunk, and pissed of Brenna a lot. Like a LOT.
Next thing I know, I get a text about 2 months ago telling me about how Brenna gets drunk all the time now.
HA! Bitch.
So let's move on.
What happened since my last post?
Well, I quit my job, left the church, and moved top Banff.
Yes, Banff. Party central.
In my previous posts I talked about how I drank too much. Well, it's got nothing on what I do now. Jaysus. So that's my life now. Drinking. Oh, I also started smoking cigarettes. And weed.
Life has never been better than it is out here, though. I have an awesome group of friends, I have an opportunity to be someone that I've never been before, and I have an opportunity to try all the things I missed out on earlier in life. Like picking up girls at the bar, getting high, and all kinda of wonderful things.
But as it turns out, I've also discovered my greatest weakness out here.
Alcohol and women. Separately, fine. Together? Not okay.
I managed to get a really good girlfriend out here, and life was good.
What did I do?
I cheated on her.
I think there's a special place in hell reserved for people like me. But you know what? At least it's warm there.
So yeah, I've changed. A lot. Cage an animal for long enough and you create a monster.
Is it my parent's fault?
Maybe.
I mean, I'm not saying it's not.
Fuck am I fucked up right now. This whole post makes no sense. Burnt out, still half-drunk and I need a cigarette. What a day.
The good news is that I have today and the next 2 days off work though!
Monday 25 February 2013
Update!
Okay... So let's go back.
Way back. To Brenna.
Who I actually had a really good date with! About a month ago. And never told you about it.
Here's the thing - she lives about an hour away. I had to drive out, pick her up, take her out, and bring her back home at like 1am. It was tons of fun! And I managed to sneak a goodnight kiss out of her!
Everything was looking so grand!
And then... the expectations came back.
Long story short, we are currently taking a break (which I decided on, and I don't want to have anything to do with her until she's been on her own for a few months).
So I'm back to drinking, and I'm looking into other options.
Yes, there is yet another girl involved in this story.
She's chill, a lot of fun, and my roomates really like her.
I brought her home last weekend and she freaking played cards with us! It was awesome. She also slept over. But nothing really happened. I'm still trying to decide if I like this girl. Cause to be honest, I don't want to use her. She doesn't deserve that.
That's enough for tonight. I have a hell of a headache. I'll update again some day...
Way back. To Brenna.
Who I actually had a really good date with! About a month ago. And never told you about it.
Here's the thing - she lives about an hour away. I had to drive out, pick her up, take her out, and bring her back home at like 1am. It was tons of fun! And I managed to sneak a goodnight kiss out of her!
Everything was looking so grand!
And then... the expectations came back.
Long story short, we are currently taking a break (which I decided on, and I don't want to have anything to do with her until she's been on her own for a few months).
So I'm back to drinking, and I'm looking into other options.
Yes, there is yet another girl involved in this story.
She's chill, a lot of fun, and my roomates really like her.
I brought her home last weekend and she freaking played cards with us! It was awesome. She also slept over. But nothing really happened. I'm still trying to decide if I like this girl. Cause to be honest, I don't want to use her. She doesn't deserve that.
That's enough for tonight. I have a hell of a headache. I'll update again some day...
Tuesday 8 January 2013
Standing up
Well that's what she did anyway.
She stood up.
Stood me up, anyway. I don't even know why I've been giving her a fake name this whole time. her name is Brenna. She told me "She was in a fight with her parents and... she's confused and doesn't wanna like anyone and..." BULLSHIT!
But I'm all done now. I told her when she gets her shit straight she can come talk to me and buy me dinner. (Not necessarily in those words)
Either way, we're all done. And I still haven't drank anything. And honestly, I feel quite good! I'm done with her and I can move on to greater things!
Like other women!
Yeah okay that's shallow. But now that I know I'm fucking just DONE with trying to date someone who's that high-maintenance, I can have more fun!
...And creep out my roomates a little more...
We'll see. I'm hanging out with someone this weekend. Maybe it'll turn into one of those "ice cream dates" again.
God I'm sick
She stood up.
Stood me up, anyway. I don't even know why I've been giving her a fake name this whole time. her name is Brenna. She told me "She was in a fight with her parents and... she's confused and doesn't wanna like anyone and..." BULLSHIT!
But I'm all done now. I told her when she gets her shit straight she can come talk to me and buy me dinner. (Not necessarily in those words)
Either way, we're all done. And I still haven't drank anything. And honestly, I feel quite good! I'm done with her and I can move on to greater things!
Like other women!
Yeah okay that's shallow. But now that I know I'm fucking just DONE with trying to date someone who's that high-maintenance, I can have more fun!
...And creep out my roomates a little more...
We'll see. I'm hanging out with someone this weekend. Maybe it'll turn into one of those "ice cream dates" again.
God I'm sick
Thursday 3 January 2013
God Damn Women
I hate these things.
Women.
Why do you have to go and confuzzle me? C'mon!
So this Susan chick (I think that's what I called her) decides that she doesn't like drinking. Cool. I don't like your periods, but I'm not asking you to take FUCKING BIRTH CONTROL.
So what happens? Just to fucking communicate with this broad, I have to stop drinking. FINE. I'll fucking spend my new years with Coffee. Thanks a lot.
Now don't get me wrong, I know I drink too much. And it's definitely healthy for me to stop. At least for a little bit. But if you can't even see me as the same person because I have ONE habit that you think is bad? Bitch please, you're not worth my time.
So at this moment I'm talking to her and this other girl that I know, who is giving me "advice". Which is basically defending Susan. Fuck. I know she doesn't like drinking either, but I want legitimate girl advice. Not "Stop drinking Steve, Jesus loves you."
Damn you females!
"I can't be around people who drink."
She fucking said that. I can't believe she fucking said that. Unreal.
So because I have one bad habit, you're going to put aside everything we've learned about each other and generalize me as a drunk? Wooooooow. That's not pretentious.
Now, don't get me wrong. I wasn't born yesterday. I know that she is either trying to:
A) Find a reason to drop our "relationship". or
B) Bend me around her little fucking pinky finger.
So. She has 2 days. TWO. GODDAMN DAYS.
And if she decides to find an excuse to not go on our 2-month planned date, good. That saves me effort and money.
If she does? Then I can decide what the fuck she's trying to do.
Oh, also, I haven't touched alcohol since she asked me not to. And she doesn't know that yet. Once she can wrap her head around the fact that it doesn't change who I am as a person, then I will tell her I've kept to my word.
If she can't wrap her head around that fact - goodbye, Susan. Better luck next time.
Women.
Why do you have to go and confuzzle me? C'mon!
So this Susan chick (I think that's what I called her) decides that she doesn't like drinking. Cool. I don't like your periods, but I'm not asking you to take FUCKING BIRTH CONTROL.
So what happens? Just to fucking communicate with this broad, I have to stop drinking. FINE. I'll fucking spend my new years with Coffee. Thanks a lot.
Now don't get me wrong, I know I drink too much. And it's definitely healthy for me to stop. At least for a little bit. But if you can't even see me as the same person because I have ONE habit that you think is bad? Bitch please, you're not worth my time.
So at this moment I'm talking to her and this other girl that I know, who is giving me "advice". Which is basically defending Susan. Fuck. I know she doesn't like drinking either, but I want legitimate girl advice. Not "Stop drinking Steve, Jesus loves you."
Damn you females!
"I can't be around people who drink."
She fucking said that. I can't believe she fucking said that. Unreal.
So because I have one bad habit, you're going to put aside everything we've learned about each other and generalize me as a drunk? Wooooooow. That's not pretentious.
Now, don't get me wrong. I wasn't born yesterday. I know that she is either trying to:
A) Find a reason to drop our "relationship". or
B) Bend me around her little fucking pinky finger.
So. She has 2 days. TWO. GODDAMN DAYS.
And if she decides to find an excuse to not go on our 2-month planned date, good. That saves me effort and money.
If she does? Then I can decide what the fuck she's trying to do.
Oh, also, I haven't touched alcohol since she asked me not to. And she doesn't know that yet. Once she can wrap her head around the fact that it doesn't change who I am as a person, then I will tell her I've kept to my word.
If she can't wrap her head around that fact - goodbye, Susan. Better luck next time.
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